


Cabal

by queenofthenight



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 01:50:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofthenight/pseuds/queenofthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not uncommon for Karkat and Kankri to be arguing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cabal

“Screw you, bulgelord, as if I’d want to listen to such a sanctimonious nooklicker for a second longer than I had to. You don’t give a shit about anyone else, and you can’t even see what a little bitch you’re being when they want to slap you in the face! Shit, maybe I should set Lalonde on you, we can have a passive-aggressive bitchy wankfest here, come one come all to see the insufferable Kankri Vantas, biggest hypocrite in paradox space! Maybe then you’d get all the attention you’re so obviously craving!”  
  
“Karkat, I understand that I may have inadvertently triggered you, but projecting your need for validation and attention onto me is not going to rectify the situation any faster, and I wholeheartedly suggest that you calm down and take a second to deliberate upon what is truly important in this situation. In any case, our particular opinions should not come into play when they are so wholly unrelated to this debate. Allowing your own bias to pervade an intellectual discussion is something I implore you to abhor and avoid at any cost, as it detracts from the important issues at hand, and whilst you may have no qualms debasing yourself to satiate your team there are many who would be offended by your nonchalant attitude regarding this matter-”  
  
“Wait, did you _actually_ just call me a whore? It’s not slutty if you’re in a quadrant, you dumb fuck, I don’t just randomly go around hitting on anything that moves, which, I might add, you’re not exactly discouraging other members of your clusterfuck of a team from doing! Just because you refuse to admit that you might have any “debasing” urges doesn’t mean the rest of us need to tiptoe around the subject, and I’m certainly not going to go out of my way to preserve your fucking modesty! I cannot fucking believe you right now. If I have to look at your disgusting face for a second more I might _vomit_.”  
  
“Mmm, vomit. Always sexy, KK.”  
  
Your rage-induced tunnel vision clears and you both spin around to find none other than Sollux fucking Captor watching your fight intently. You have no idea how long he’s been standing there, but it’s probably been a while. The bastard can actually be sneaky when he wants to be.  
  
“Don’t you _dare_ start,” you say scathingly. “In fact, I’d yell at you too, but I might offend Kankri’s delicate sensibilities if I did that. We can’t possibly have _that_ happening, can we.”  
  
He shrugs nonchalantly. “Heh, nah. Besides, I’d ruin the show if I interfered any more.”  
  
“Show?” Kankri interrupts. “Mr Captor, I hope you’re not implying that you’re abusing our private conversation as a form of entertainment, and moreso if you are then I would be much obliged if you were to cease immediately, as it is highly improper and also rude.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, because he’s going to care about being _rude_ ,” you say. “Idiot. Like any Captor’s going to walk away from two near identical people fighting, I’m surprised Mituna’s not here watching as well.”  
  
“Yeah, I should’ve invited him to watch the spades fly too,” Sollux says, and winks.  
  
Your eyes widen in horror as you realise how close you and Kankri have drifted during your argument. You jump away from him in disgust before Sollux can comment further.  
  
“Nope, this is not happening, you are not getting off on the thought of me and my god damned ancestor kissing or something,” you say. “Nope, nope, nope.”  
  
Kankri turns away in similar distaste. “I dislike what you are implying, as you should be aware by now of my views on such practises, and even if you were not then you should be aware that what you are suggesting is both lewd and unbecoming of any troll, though I suppose I ought to have expected it from your previous comments of a similar nature, and while I have no right to request you to cease such talk I would implore you to think again before suggesting such improprietous behaviour between my dancestor and I.”  
  
“Then quit making ‘improprietous’ advances on KK and I won’t have to,” Sollux says calmly. Kankri sneers at him for a second, realises that you’re still watching and resumes his calm facade, then walks away in a huff, no doubt to complain to someone else. You stand in shock for a few moments before you you recover enough to say something.  
  
“What the actual fuck just happened,” you say slowly. “Seriously, Captor, what the hell was that? Were you legitimately just hitting on us?”  
  
“Maybe,” he says. “You have two guesses.”  
  
“Wow. Okay. I am going to say this once, just to dispel whatever deranged fantasy is currently running through your demented thinkpan. I am not pailing you, singly or with that douchefuck present, so you can take that thought and shove it up your waste chute.”  
  
He sniggers. “And here I thought you were supposed to be the master of romance, oh esteemed leader.”  
  
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”  
  
“It means you’re completely oblivious,” he says, walking away. “Ashen for you, idiot.”  
  
Well fuck. Only Sollux would mediate between people by _hitting on them_.  
  
You don’t know why you expected anything different, to be honest.  
  
“Yeah, ashen for you, bulgemuncher,” you call after him. He flashes you a grin and pops back out of existence, no doubt to do something boring and important.  
  
You realise approximately two minutes later that you and Kankri got suckered into his twin fetish after all. Somehow, you just can’t bring yourself to care.

**Author's Note:**

> This just popped into my head the other day and someone commenting on one of my other works prompted me to actually write this out. Damn Kankri and his absurd run-on sentences XD I kind of imagine this all talking place in one of the dream bubbles. You decide whether Karkat and Kankri are the primary timeline versions or not, because I am still not sure, haha.
> 
> eta: aw man I proofread this so badly, I hate having to go back and fix typos :(


End file.
